New Format of HSC Board Exam

Just in case, Rahul Gandhi is smart enough to contest PM elections and we are dumb enough to vote him, this is how board exams will be in 2014:

1. Section 66/ A will be imposed in papers. Students hurting anyone’s religious statements through their answers will be arrested immediately. 

2. Writing extra questions will be marked & reported as spam. The examiner might also block you & refuse to check you’re paper unless you’re a girl with duckface picture on your hall ticket. 

3. MCQs will be modified as “Like for option A, comment for B, share for both”. If the likes are more than comments, option A will be considered as correct answer & relative conditions for option B and C.

4. 90% students will already be declared failed even before exams as per orders issued by Justice Katju.

5. Tax will be imposed on use of supplements. Those taking more than 5, will be surcharged with extra 10% tax. Students taking more threads than required will be awarded secretly for helping the government to execute a new “Thread Scam” worth Rs.279280000 crores.

6. Copywriting will be allowed by supervisors but according to following rules:

General category students- allowed to take cheats of just one chapter.
OBC- 2 chapters.
SC/ ST- 5 chapters.
while anyone with surname Gandhi can carry entire textbook in exam hall.

7. But, unfortunately, if any student is caught copywriting by the squad of Aam Aadmi Party, the case will be filed against the student in Supreme court and continued till he’s found guilty. He will also be allowed to apply a mercy plea to President and hanged immediately as Mr. President won’t give two hoots to his plea. The court will not wait for any mosquito to bit the culprit and cause Dengue as this is a very SERIOUS OFFENCE & there should be no delay in execution of punishment.

8. Some special provisions under which the student can be awarded grace marks:
– if he’s holding a glass of beer in the passport photo on his hall ticket.
– if he is successfully able to download all Honey Singh songs in 3 hours using the WiFi in exam hall (obviously there will be one)
– if he’s able to create at least 75 wordplay puns out of the data on question paper.
– if he promises to comment “cute pic” on all the photos uploaded by Rahul Gandhi & Akhilesh Yadav on Facebook.

9. Guys scoring more than 90% will be made to face Arnab Goswami in news hour cos the ‘nation will obviously want to know’ secret behind their success.

10. Students failing in 1-2 subjects will be made to appear again for the exam next year. And those failing in 3-4 subjects will be invited to give a lecture on Economics at Wharton. In case, there is a rarest of the rare student who has failed in all subjects, he will be immediately appointed to handle PMOIndia’s Twitter account. Like and share this post if you agree.

11. There will be a Harlem Shake dance at the end of exam where students can humiliate supervisor by making him dance alone in the second half too if he’s too strict during the exam.

Well, let’s look forward to these new rules in 2014 and till then, please share this post, as facebook has decided to donate $1 per share to that baby whose heart is outside his body.


The Story Of Ravan


The freak!

Ravan is said to have been born in the village of Bisrak which was founded by his father, Bisesvara. Instead of burning effigies of Ravan, the residents of Bisrakh worship Lord Shiva cos Ravan was a follower of Shiva. While the rest of the world believes that Ravan is a demon who kidnapped Sita. #FunFact: Women there worship Ravan.

He had power over Navagrahas ie nine planets. According to reteurs, he was a member of Lords’ community on Facebook but then was discarded from there and sent to pariah on earth. He was cursed to die by the hands of God (not Mark Zuckerberg) to attain salvation.

Ravana’s great-grandfather was Brahma, a deity. His grandmother was a demon. Ravana’s father was a sage and his mother was a rakshasa – a type of demon. So, he was a byproduct of all these genes.

Lanka originally belonged to Ravana’s half-brother Kubera, the Lord of the treasures of Swarga. Ravana and his rakshasa allies demanded Lanka from him. Ravana and Kuvera’s father Visrawas advised Kubera to give it up as Ravana cannot be killed by any celestial being. Ravana thus became the curator of Lanka.

Ravana’s sexual prowess is important to note as it plays a critical part in his legacy and downfall. Even as a young man he shamelessly violated women, and blessed with awesome strength, became an immensely virile rakshasa. He was a master of tantric vidya, or magical sexual arts.

Although Ravana was married to Mandodari, the daughter of Asura Maya, he captured thousands of women from his conquests and maintained a harem of unparalleled size.

When, mother Sita was in his captivity, he was cursed that his hands will break if he became horny. Hence, all the Chinese sellers and manufacturing companies of Chowmein were strictly told to move their bases to some other place. And that’s how they went to China, according to India TV.

Q. Differentiate between Ravan and Ra.One (10 marks)

Student Of The Year

It’s really been a long time since I liked any movie. Given that I watch less and don’t have the perfect sense like all Emraan Hashmi fans.


Kis angle se yeh students lagte hain?

So with the Student Of The Year. Yes, it was a bad movie. You can’t stand a dull college life being portrayed in front of you for hours long. Also, the alma mater shown in the movie is nowhere close to the one you study. Unless, of course, you have a gay principal and blonde classmates. Right from the story to direction to performances, everything in the movie goes wrong. Music, too, is girly. And painful too ears. The lead actors too are plain boring. Varun is too cliched and more like a coolest guy of 90’s. Siddharth has few good portions and that’s it. Aalia is irritating. Barring that bikini scene, you need lot of patience to watch her. Other guys too are stupid.

So, if you’re really confused to watch it or not, don’t settle on former. More if you hate regretting and can’t stand nonsense at all.

PS- The last scene where Sudo freaks out is really good. Watch it, if you’re going to.

A Cool Guy On Facebook

1. Creates a facebook account. Will everyday upload picture of flowers, babies or coffees with caption ‘Good Morning’ and tag bunch of his female friends. Will check notifications for a while and then comment ‘Hey! Good morning to bolo koi?!’

2. Will post after a cricket match, ‘Congratulations Sachin, you make us feel proud! You are Goddddd. Or mantion whoever scores a century.

3. Will buy a DSLR. Create a facebook fan page. Click shitty photographs and post in album ‘MY EXPERIMENTS’. Like a boss.

4. Posts song lyrics. Expects sympathy from contemporary girls. Blah.

5. Wears Being Human T shirt. For facebook profile picture. (Hahahah!)

6. Does spike. Wears crumpled jeans. And sunglasses- 10x the size of his eyes. Snap photos. Post in album, ‘Mah coool styl£ !!!’

7. Will see a hot chick in city. Send her friend request before she reaches home.

8. Puts status message. Likes it himself.

9. Goes to roadside Chinese thela. Checks-in through ‘KFC’.

10. Goes to CCD. Says to his friend ‘Hey, achhese khinch, CCD ka logo aana chahiye background mein. Kal facebook pe upload karne hai saare photos!’

P. S.-  If anything written above agitates you, cool. You can tweet/blog against me. Thank You.

Yeh lamha Yeh doorie, Bas do pal ki majburi.

No matter what we are or what we do, it’s always our state of mind at the end of the day that determines us. What you achieved and what you earned is less important. ‘Did it feed the heart in you?’ is primary. And we all are let down by that one fact which differs each time. I don’t even have any time to reflect why it happens or what falls short. I try, I strive, I fail and I accept. It’s become a habit now. Grief is easy to express, hard to expect, harder to deal with. Especially when you are no less and still you are settled on compromises. Speaking unswervingly, I’m let down coz I love someone and that someone doesn’t. I’m let down coz I can’t match her standards. Maybe I can but someone else does better than me. It’s absurd for me and I can explicate that too but I don’t want to. I never point out odds in personal cases. That’s not my way. And real men don’t get provoked by boyfriends of their crush. They get drunk instead. I don’t do that but it’s spontaneous. It happens. We (losers like me) see it, stay unprovoked, let it go, put up with it and people call us wicked. We accept that too. We have no other option. Maybe we can deny the fact. But we are neither intended nor have any inclination to do that. It’s not that today is the day to dig in all this stuff. No. Today is just another day. And it’s all fools day too. I should be having fun at this time. I’m not. Strange.

This is one of the very few times when I tend to find the reason behind that gloomy feeling. I can’t think anything as my thoughts stop over her, but it leaves me with an answer. Though very unclear but whatever. Answer is my obsession for her. I forget that I just get carried away, each time, for no particular reason. I forget there is nothing beyond affable relations and dream of being together. She regales me with few moments but that’s it. It’s the end; where all the hopes and feelings die. It’s good they die rather than staying within and keep pricking. Its better they die thus living some ample space to ponder over other craps. But I disregard, hope is immortal; no matter how dark it is, a little vacuity and hope will bask in the pallid limelight of your thoughts. I really hurts no matter how strong you are. I’m not even strong. I nag behind, losing my self-respect. But I guess you should back off rather than dealing with your hatred. I will do that, now or later. I’m good at letting things go. Ours is a land of heroes and playing loser is pride, in disguise. All I can do is pray god to prove his existence and unite us.

Okay, leave it apart. You know you are screwed when you have to leave the madness apart. You know you are not okay when you get up and listen to music instead of getting hangover. Worse, when you identify yourselves with the lyrics. I stopped playing music in background while typing unruly words. Now, the only sound produced is of space bar key. Life is that eerie. Well, in the end, as I always say, I’m young and I can do better. I can hope, I can try and I can do. Well, let’s anticipate contentment. Till then, have fun. See you on the other side of madness, with not something, so lame and boring.

Shit Happens!

It’s not an article. It’s outburst. It’s not a result of lengthy research. I never do that. Neither I reflect nor do I analyze. I speak what my mind echoes. And that goes precise, all the time. I don’t speak against system or anyone in personal. I speak against decisions. Those ruin lives. And, as accustomed, I don’t care about upshots.

CBSE. Or CBSC. Or whatever. I still don’t know what it is exactly. But it’s drivel. It’s introduced so that kids in our state can compete with kids of other states. So uncool. That’s the root of India as I said earlier, the race. But it speaks volume about or political ineptitude. These wise people need to understand that when India loses match against Australia, we change our strategies. Change the management sometimes. Plan hard, strive harder. But we don’t change the color of our jerseys to yellow. That’s it. Bringing in CBSE was sheer sign of our vulnerable determination.

And the fact of assigning this year the tag of ‘experiment’ is ridicule in point of fact. So we are not sure of our results and consequences but we want to move ahead. Great. Even a kid makes sure the key is winded before flaunting his fancy toys. The thing irritates a lot. That’s what all the parents think stamping our fates. That’s what makes us losers. That’s what takes away the life. The experiment.

Not that it is bad. It is wrong. Learning was possible without CBSE. Not that CBSE is beyond intellectual capability. It is overemphasized. It is overrated. It is mandatory. It’s like spending grands on dinner at five star and eating what waiter chooses for you. No priorities at all. No space for creativity. No space to think beyond and prove the potential. No space at all.

Moreover, very few people identify with the things taught. I personally don’t identify with any of the things. Neither I’m interesting in lying down new axioms for speed and velocity nor do I want to play with chemicals for rest of my life. I don’t wish to become a vet and thus have no concern for learning anatomy of lizards. I don’t know what this log table is and I don’t wish to know. It’s not I don’t want to learn. It’s not I’m against it. It’s I can’t do it. It’s beyond my capabilities. You may call me a loser and that’s it. But I don’t like this tag of inferiority. If you don’t like shirts with half sleeves you go for full sleeves. And the vice versa. Every small thing in life has got options but the thing that decides your fate for the entire lifetime hasn’t got any. Even if it has, they are insufficient and unsatisfactory. Knowledge is not the only thing required to survive. You ought to know the world, surpassing parameters laid by education. You ought to see the world beyond the vision of your parents and teachers. Not that they are wrong, but you’re doing it wrong if you don’t have a separate opinion. You should die.

Remove all the doctors/ engineers and India is a big hole. Hard to digest yet true. And that’s the true India. Led by creativity and backed with talent. Very few people try to become something else other than that. Not because they have lesser grades but because they have the stronger will. I’m not opposing the idea of becoming doctor, I’m laughing at the reason behind the idea of becoming a doctor.

Learning science is presently all about dealing with spits. Those with higher grades have to wipe the spits of other people and those with lesser grades have to lick. But spit is a spit after all. No using your brain and no reflecting your own ideas. You have to follow Newton and Einstein without any questions in your brain. If you have, kill it and rot the answers found by these great people. But don’t use your brain. Otherwise we’ll knock you out of the race. That’s the science college. The moment you join science is the moment your life gets a full stop. It’s the end. No beyond and nothing further. Worse, if don’t have little bit of Einstein in your genes. You’re dead. You’ll experience deathly pricks and pangs each moment. Dump your dreams and set your desires on fire. Just hope, you survive.


Cool Guy

  1. Never seen football. But, will wear man united jersey. Messi is the only player he knows. Ronaldo, Ronaldinho #sameguy for him.
  2. Never heard Metallica before. But first one to buy tickets of their concert. ‘Coolest thing ever’. Will go for concert and get surprised ‘Metallica is name of a band and not of a single lady like Maddona.’
  3. Will watch the first show of ‘Ice Age 4’. In Hindi.
  4. Never wears watch. Checks time in his cell phone.
  5. Doesn’t know Chetan Bhagat. But ‘The 3 mistakes of my life’ is his favorite.
  6. Will drive in Porsche. But print a vampires Logo on it. And ya, he is driving in Pors Key!
  7. Will wear MUFTI jeans. Below the waist. Obviously to show the French Jockeys.
  8. Will sign up for blogger. Post lyrics of Pink Floyd songs as a post and share it on facebook. Then send link to all girls in his friend list and say ‘Hey! Check out the cool poem written by me!’
  9. Will go to pubs. Try hard at wooing girls. But will see any random girl and say. ‘Oh shit! She’s my ex! Oh shit! She’s coming towards me! Oh shit! What will I do now! God please save me! Oh shit!’
  10. Will wear Che Guevara T shirts but will pretend and ask ‘Who is Anna Hazare?’
  11. Will never watch Star World. But say ‘How I met your mother is my favorite.’ Will watch CID all the time but say to his friends ‘DEXTER ka latest episode dekha kya? My god kya fucking tha!’ He knows his friends never watch it, hence.
  12. Will go to Juhu beach for a trip. Act like its Bondi beach.
  13. Will use internet slang in real conversation. Will pronounce ‘LOL’ as ‘Lawl’, ‘ROFL’ as ‘Roffle’ or the worst, ‘LMAO’ as’ Limeow’.
  14. Will have high end laptop. But will use it only for playing GTA and IGI. Occasionally, open PowerPoint and create cool banners of his name.
  15. Will buy iPad 3 and play Rohan Rathore’s ‘Tune mere jana’ on it. Will keep Salman Khan as wallpaper and Waka Waka as ringtone.

P.S- If anything written in the post offends or hurts your sentiments/feelings then please let us know. So that we can make more jokes on you.

Casual Outburst

Race. Sounds cool and interesting. Moral or immoral. Required or not. People in India will always be excited about it. Worse if you are a student. Your life is all about race. One more race. Some more races. And the end. They will make you run. It’s their innate right and they shall have it. India is your country and this all is mandatory.

It’s good. Running the race is first step towards feeling the exhilaration of victory. Yes. Run. But make sure you are going to win. Otherwise don’t. Stop where you are and let the crowd go ahead. Let them win. Let them shine. Let them lose. Let them fall.

Being loser. That’s the bad. We Indians suck at letting the things go. From money to virginity. Nothing goes off with ease. Everything sucks. But do it. Let few things go away. We love our pets. Not the smell of their shits.

People will call you loser. Okay. Their ass. Ours is a land of heroes. Everyone wants to be hero. Everyone wants to be best. Everyone tries to be best. Tries to convey they are best. Sounds cool but don’t fall for that shit. Be bad. Be mad. Be glad.

Try. Keep trying. Failure is first step towards success. No. These all are fucked up axioms laid by fucked up people. People who lost their senses. People who are always busy being practical. They never know what life is, in point of fact. Failure never leads you to success. Unless you’re trying to invent new law of gravity. So always remember. Be a winner. Back off if you think you can’t win. Stay quiet. Reflect. Analyze and PWN all other intellectuals.

Never follow the crowd. Never ask anyone for any advice. No one understands your potentials better than you. Just like you never ask the sales guy to choose the best color of briefs for you. You do it on your own. Sometimes you end up picking the wrong.  You regret it and avoid repeating that mistake. But you’ll never ask the sales guy to do that for you. Same way. Be stupid. Do stupid shit. Revamp it. But don’t seek advices.

In India, doctors and engineers steal away all the limelight. Sorry if you are one. But I’d never relate to these people. I’d never respect you for that sole reason. Get a life, I’d say instead. Being doctor just because all intelligent people are the same is not a sign of intelligence. You’re idiot. A kind of idiot who follows another idiot blindly.

Not that I always listen to my teachers. Not that I’m pointing out odds of someone. But my imaginary teacher always told me- Newton brought out the revolutionary change in field of Science but no one gave him money even to cut his hairs. Not that money is what life is all about. But yes. I need money. I want crazy lifestyle. I want pleasurable weekends. I want extravagant delights. I don’t want respect. I have self-respect. I care enough to follow my conscience all the time.

Okay. As I always say. You’re young. You can think. Do your own thing and don’t fall for anyone.

Generation next. Generation blatant.- III

This is a series. Read the earlier posts before moving on to this. You can read the first post here. You can read the second post here. Thank you.

Aaryan avoided Diya that day. He didn’t speak with her. ‘What was wrong?’ she wondered. She asked him. “I didn’t like it.” He said. “What? Sammy is friend. Just a friend. What’s wrong with you?” She replied. “Don’t know. But I surely do not like this.” He repeated. “Don’t you trust me?” She asked. He was numb. Things were stretched.

Is she right? She might be wrong. But I should trust her? Should Sammy be trusted? She is my wife. I should trust her. His mind was messed up. Like a jigsaw puzzle. More he thought, more complicated it got. Life is not that easy.

“Sorry for the last night. I trust you. I love you. More than anyone else could do.” He said and kissed her on forehead. She grinned. He left. He was happy. She smiled.

He reached the place he liked the most. The cricket ground. He had an important match that day. To everyone’s surprise, Sammy was included in the team. Vick was surprised. How can it happen? He thought. Aaryan sensed his uneasiness.

“I know what is bothering your mind. Don’t worry. Sammy is a good player.” Aaryan said. “I tell you, he is not to be trusted.” Vick replied. “Chill. He is a good man.” “Amen!”

The match started. Things favored them. Opposite team gave up at a very low score. But it was a game of uncertainties. Aaryan was bowled out for a duck. Another three of his men got out for the same score. Vick was still there, holding the hope. Sammy came on to bat. Two years of patience reflected his game. He felt a strong urge to whack every ball to the boundaries. He did so. They won. Vick and Sammy were the heroes. Sammy was awarded for his brilliant knock. Aaryan instructed them to have rest instead of celebrations as they had another match the next day.

“Hey! Congrats buddy. You nailed it completely. Let’s have a drink.” Vick said to Sammy. “Thank you but I’m not drinking.” Sammy replied. “Cheer up man. You deserve it. C’mon let yourself go.” The more reluctant Sammy was the more Vick forced him. Sip by sip he drank enough alcohol to lose his conscience. Vick was a smart ass. He wanted Sammy to get crapulent. He gave him some more alcohol. Strong. The truth was to be poured out.

“I have feelings for Diya. Deep feelings buddyyyyy…” He screamed. “Yo man! Diya is your stuff. Aaryan is a douche I tell and Diya! So hot man.” Vick agitated him. “Aaryan.. The man makes me uncomfortable. Bloody tyke.” He shouted at his loudest. A keeper knocked his door. “Aaryan sir instructed you to keep piece. Your voice is reaching other guest rooms.” The keeper said. “Let it reach. Tell that cock sucker I’m not gonna listen to him. Understand you moron.” Sammy said and pushed him. The keeper to got hyper. A clash took place. Vick witnessed it interestingly. Everyone hurried to the place as they heard a big noise. Sammy hurled the beer bottle at keeper injuring him badly. The keeper narrated the entire happenings. Vick added to whatever happened earlier and made the entire drama spicier. He told Aaryan that Sammy said he went extreme with Diya. Many a times. Aaryan was frustrated. He was uneasy. He was angry. He was reckless. He went straight way to his wife.

“Sorry. I’m sorry for whatever happened. I went wrong. Please forgive me.” Diya said. Vick was surprised. She really went extreme with him. Aaryan was broke. He cried. He cussed himself. He hated himself for trusting Diya.

Goodness lost the battle with cruelty. Aaryan thought, he was Othello. She was Desdemona. But he didn’t know Vick was the Shakespeare.