Yeh lamha Yeh doorie, Bas do pal ki majburi.

No matter what we are or what we do, it’s always our state of mind at the end of the day that determines us. What you achieved and what you earned is less important. ‘Did it feed the heart in you?’ is primary. And we all are let down by that one fact which differs each time. I don’t even have any time to reflect why it happens or what falls short. I try, I strive, I fail and I accept. It’s become a habit now. Grief is easy to express, hard to expect, harder to deal with. Especially when you are no less and still you are settled on compromises. Speaking unswervingly, I’m let down coz I love someone and that someone doesn’t. I’m let down coz I can’t match her standards. Maybe I can but someone else does better than me. It’s absurd for me and I can explicate that too but I don’t want to. I never point out odds in personal cases. That’s not my way. And real men don’t get provoked by boyfriends of their crush. They get drunk instead. I don’t do that but it’s spontaneous. It happens. We (losers like me) see it, stay unprovoked, let it go, put up with it and people call us wicked. We accept that too. We have no other option. Maybe we can deny the fact. But we are neither intended nor have any inclination to do that. It’s not that today is the day to dig in all this stuff. No. Today is just another day. And it’s all fools day too. I should be having fun at this time. I’m not. Strange.

This is one of the very few times when I tend to find the reason behind that gloomy feeling. I can’t think anything as my thoughts stop over her, but it leaves me with an answer. Though very unclear but whatever. Answer is my obsession for her. I forget that I just get carried away, each time, for no particular reason. I forget there is nothing beyond affable relations and dream of being together. She regales me with few moments but that’s it. It’s the end; where all the hopes and feelings die. It’s good they die rather than staying within and keep pricking. Its better they die thus living some ample space to ponder over other craps. But I disregard, hope is immortal; no matter how dark it is, a little vacuity and hope will bask in the pallid limelight of your thoughts. I really hurts no matter how strong you are. I’m not even strong. I nag behind, losing my self-respect. But I guess you should back off rather than dealing with your hatred. I will do that, now or later. I’m good at letting things go. Ours is a land of heroes and playing loser is pride, in disguise. All I can do is pray god to prove his existence and unite us.

Okay, leave it apart. You know you are screwed when you have to leave the madness apart. You know you are not okay when you get up and listen to music instead of getting hangover. Worse, when you identify yourselves with the lyrics. I stopped playing music in background while typing unruly words. Now, the only sound produced is of space bar key. Life is that eerie. Well, in the end, as I always say, I’m young and I can do better. I can hope, I can try and I can do. Well, let’s anticipate contentment. Till then, have fun. See you on the other side of madness, with not something, so lame and boring.


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